holdout
04-14-2009, 02:29 AM
i just listened to a song i listened to a few times when i first took a stimulant in July of last year. my first ever was LU Doves :P so mainly a butylone experience as it is so deduced....
anyhow... i slipped into a recollection of my emotions at the time. it's kinda scary how very lucidly my feelings/mood of my first experience flooded back with this song being an anchor of attribution....
i immediately identified how stimulants don't feel the same compared to when i took it that first time.... (not about euphoria or intensity.... but something was DIFFERENT).
the more i think about it.... analyzing it... trying to understand why that is..... the more i begin to realize i was feeling FEAR..... i was happy and ecstatic and blown away by the almighty powerful influence of a recreational activity i undermined my entire life: taking psychoactives. hehe. but where was this fear coming from?
i could understand being scared because i was doing something new.... but i could tell it's not that. the more introspection i put in, the more i seem to be sensing that the fear is out of worry for what this experience would "gateway me" into.... fear that something bringing about such amazing positive emotions, could seduce me as the most powerful influence in my life to date.....
alas i am here today after some daring flirtations with various substances throughout the months. i plan to mark my 1-year anniversary this july with a duplication of my first experience.
i have some LU doves in my stash :) and i still recall what i was drinking, how i drank it, out of which type of glass i drank it out of, the temperature of it, the time of night, everything. i remember. i remember all the songs i listened to. i remember how i acted on msn and EDIT forums.
i will reproduce it all to the tee and bring about those emotions once again and revisit them in full as i feel there is something still hidden there..... suffice to say it has made a very profound/lasting impression on me.
:D
anyhow... i slipped into a recollection of my emotions at the time. it's kinda scary how very lucidly my feelings/mood of my first experience flooded back with this song being an anchor of attribution....
i immediately identified how stimulants don't feel the same compared to when i took it that first time.... (not about euphoria or intensity.... but something was DIFFERENT).
the more i think about it.... analyzing it... trying to understand why that is..... the more i begin to realize i was feeling FEAR..... i was happy and ecstatic and blown away by the almighty powerful influence of a recreational activity i undermined my entire life: taking psychoactives. hehe. but where was this fear coming from?
i could understand being scared because i was doing something new.... but i could tell it's not that. the more introspection i put in, the more i seem to be sensing that the fear is out of worry for what this experience would "gateway me" into.... fear that something bringing about such amazing positive emotions, could seduce me as the most powerful influence in my life to date.....
alas i am here today after some daring flirtations with various substances throughout the months. i plan to mark my 1-year anniversary this july with a duplication of my first experience.
i have some LU doves in my stash :) and i still recall what i was drinking, how i drank it, out of which type of glass i drank it out of, the temperature of it, the time of night, everything. i remember. i remember all the songs i listened to. i remember how i acted on msn and EDIT forums.
i will reproduce it all to the tee and bring about those emotions once again and revisit them in full as i feel there is something still hidden there..... suffice to say it has made a very profound/lasting impression on me.
:D